This room is a dying ship, which means
in simple terms, a structure
standing in for music.
There are almonds on the ground
in place of gravel.
We eat what ends between our toes
forgetting the importance of respiration.
The hull is sore.
Our mouths are ragged.
Eighth notes standing in.
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6 comments:
almonds
yeeeaaah. The more you write the better they get. I like this one a lot. I would switch "in place of" for "instead of" but I really, really, like this one. "Eight notes standing in" is the perfect last line. I read the poem and then I got to the end and I think--aha! Never ceasing to dissapoint is that Amber girl. Woo-ha!
gravel
thank you. that makes me feel better. but you do mean I should replace "standing in" with "instead of", right?
Wait. Hold on. I was drunk last night.
...No. No, I was right. In the second line of the second stanza replace "in place of" with "instead of" ie "There are almonds on the ground / instead of gravel." Wait, maybe that's still not good. "In place of" just sounds really contrived and, I don't know, over-written. The problem is that, nothing really replaces it well and the flow and everything's alright, but it just doesn't feel very natural. No easy answer. Sorry. That was lame. I shouldn't have said anything. I still like it a whole hell of a lot. You know me: Bouts of criticism. (I snapped at a grocery clerk today; she was a bitch though, got all uppity when I wanted cash back.)
Totally missed that. Yeah. Not instead of...but maybe something else. Who knows.
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