tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13652214.post116603915156606850..comments2023-03-25T03:30:38.589-07:00Comments on *d*i*m*l*a*b*: Poem written at work...a line a daywillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12384664221642078032noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13652214.post-1166199214696147282006-12-15T08:13:00.000-08:002006-12-15T08:13:00.000-08:00Totally missed that. Yeah. Not instead of...but ...Totally missed that. Yeah. Not instead of...but maybe something else. Who knows.amberhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16774178103694916710noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13652214.post-1166145949571873712006-12-14T17:25:00.000-08:002006-12-14T17:25:00.000-08:00Wait. Hold on. I was drunk last night....No. No...Wait. Hold on. I was drunk last night.<BR/>...No. No, I was right. In the second line of the second stanza replace "in place of" with "instead of" ie "There are almonds on the ground / instead of gravel." Wait, maybe that's still not good. "In place of" just sounds really contrived and, I don't know, over-written. The problem is that, nothing really replaces it well and the flow and everything's alright, but it just doesn't feel very natural. No easy answer. Sorry. That was lame. I shouldn't have said anything. I still like it a whole hell of a lot. You know me: Bouts of criticism. (I snapped at a grocery clerk today; she was a bitch though, got all uppity when I wanted cash back.)S. Burgesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16734851650254091229noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13652214.post-1166130376878137892006-12-14T13:06:00.000-08:002006-12-14T13:06:00.000-08:00thank you. that makes me feel better. but you do...thank you. that makes me feel better. but you do mean I should replace "standing in" with "instead of", right?amberhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16774178103694916710noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13652214.post-1166070037362794072006-12-13T20:20:00.000-08:002006-12-13T20:20:00.000-08:00gravelgravelwillhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12384664221642078032noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13652214.post-1166069267613327222006-12-13T20:07:00.000-08:002006-12-13T20:07:00.000-08:00yeeeaaah. The more you write the better they get....yeeeaaah. The more you write the better they get. I like this one a lot. I would switch "in place of" for "instead of" but I really, really, like this one. "Eight notes standing in" is the perfect last line. I read the poem and then I got to the end and I think--aha! Never ceasing to dissapoint is that Amber girl. Woo-ha!S. Burgesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16734851650254091229noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13652214.post-1166068767444532012006-12-13T19:59:00.000-08:002006-12-13T19:59:00.000-08:00almondsalmondswillhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12384664221642078032noreply@blogger.com