Monday, October 23, 2006

Relationship Poem 1: Mechanical Pencil

I held you once
in the abrasive glow
of flourescent lights.

And we made a language
of lead and loops.

O, were I again a finger
upon such subtle ridges!

Combing your point across
oblivious whiteness, and

words like sugar on the
brittle tips of us

breaking into nothing.


amber said...

A Note:

I had this idea the other day for a series. A series of poems written in the language and tone that I used before, when I wrote "Amber" poems, (aka Relationship Poems...). And I thought it'd be interesting to see me use the same language and tone and structure, but write relationship poems to objects. Like mechanical pencils and butcher knives and keyboards and the chickens that lay the eggs that I eat etc.

This is the first draft of the first attempt. Thought I'd see how it goes. The thing I like about this poem is that if you take away the title it still seems like a traditional relationship poem. The title, in effect, adds the context that makes it more interesting to me. Now the "O were I..." line is something I wouldn't have used 3 years ago. That didn't come in until the last year or I can already tell that it's hard to revert to old manners of writing...

Mostly, I want to know what you guys think. Are they kinda lame? Fun to read? Only fun if you know the full body of my work? I'll try to do a couple more today and see how it goes.

And welcome to Portland...whenever you arrive.

will said...

i enjoyed it, tho it was hard to read as anything other than a human to human relationship poem, despite the mechanical pencil clue, & this may be just because i often gloss over titles when reading (a terrible habit)... reminds me some in tone of kenneth koch & his general excitement w/ the everday & happiness in living...more later.

will said...

i would say, in retrospect, that you may have captured earlier feel for poems, but linguistically this is very different from the "amber" poems. for example, where are the "of the" phrases? tho, "the brittle tips of us" does sound quite ambery.